The Literary Giant

or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Alaina

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Location: West Hollywood, California, United States

Saturday, August 12, 2006

"LA's for Pussies" vs. "New York Shitty"

My new California I.D. came in the mail yesterday, which was lucky for three reasons. For starters, the Government-issued photograph of me is vibrant and uncharacteristically attractive. Secondly, and bringing more luck, it arrived three days before my flight back to New York, and three days after a High Alert was issued and KTLA announced that bottled liquids are not permitted in carry-on bags and that moisturizers are considered liquids. The more suspicious airlines are of its customers, the more I, unable to prove that I didn't just steal the birth certificate, social security card, and platinum credit card of some Alaina Stamatis, would have been rubbed and delayed by Airport Security. With a picture I.D., I can leave for the mistrusting terminal four hours early like everybody else. Of the most good graces, however, is that the birthdate printed on the new I.D. is accidentally January 17, turning me 21 and simultaneously heightening my on-campus popularity three months earlier than in reality. Morever, along with mine came Mia's California I.D., letting her New York one off the hook and enter my wallet.

I realized my only misstep when I saw that my application-written weight was printed on the I.D. Of course I should have filled in that I weigh 300 lbs.

Although he landed in Virginia Beach today, Beaves and I will both be in Roslyn sometime next week. On the same day, I'll find a way up to Purchase and he'll fly to Pasadena. He knows no one in California, but neither did I. Because of the cheerful weather, people are more inviting to the idea of new friends. I think, all alone, Beaves will do just fine. Last night I described him physically to a guy I was talking to at a gay bar, and he was very excited for Beaves to move out here.

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