The Literary Giant

or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Alaina

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Location: West Hollywood, California, United States

Monday, November 13, 2006

Hotel G-7-4

Malomar and I have two life plans involving hotels.

The first, and less necessary, is to make the Howard Johnson's on Houston St., which shares a block with Landmark Sunshine Cinema, into our own Chelsea Hotel. We'll party there, we'll accumulate damage charges there and eventually we'll kill one of our friends there. [The perfect candidate for a murdered mate would be an attractive girl with a drippy psyche and family members in a far off area code.] After no arrests are made and the tabloids have stopped printing our names, we'll each slowly and inexplicably vanish.

Before that, or instead, Malomar and I hope to buy a motel together. We'll decorate the rooms with individuality and Malomar's employee discount to Anthropologie. Leaving the pool peeling baby blue and speckled with cement, rust still smeared on the diving board, we'll cover the deck in overpriced lounge chairs. Serving overly-alcoholic drinks and carrying bags will, at first, be our friends, and then we'll start only hiring hot people; it'll be the new American Apparel, which is the new Abercrombie & Fitch. Our VIP hotel will be called Hotel Everybody, taken from a line from Ludacris' "You's A Ho": hotel everybody, even the mayor/reach up in the sky for the hozone layer.

On September 7, celebrating Owen's first night as a downstate New York resident, Owen, Billy Jock, Matt, and I decided to see Matt & Kim at a warehouse in deep-Bushwick. We drank heavily in his kitchen and then headed out. After walking six blocks in the wrong direction, we re-lived our steps and then went the right way. We walked across a busy bridge and found ourselves in a dark industrial area. "1080 Metropolitan," the name of the ware-venue, was painted on a building that wasn't at the address we had gotten online for the show, and the street the ware-venue was supposed to be on didn't have that building number anywhere. We interacted with other lost fans and consulted their maps but couldn't find success. We asked a cop if he knew where people were playing in the area, and he directed us to a volleyball game some people were having in the dark. I called Sophia for directions and she put Tron on the phone, but I couldn't understand any of it so I, regrettably, hung up on her. Without hope, we four bought Sparks and went back to the apartment to sleep in a tent.
The next day, Matt commented on my MySpace, "p.s. I had a lot of fun at Matt & Kim with you."

Weeks later, Two Gallants played a show in Campus Center South. Owen deemed it worthy of a Purchase pilgrimage and Matt joined him. We drank in my room and then went over to Jenny's apartment, where I got wasted. Langhorne Slim was opening for Two Gallants, and I left in the middle of his set to yakk in the bathroom. Matt and I went back to my room to sleep, and the next day he cheered, "Two Gallants were SO much better than Matt & Kim!"

A month ago, while I was at the Co-op's counter, drinking all the brown rice green tea, Alex Malamy asked with nervous desperation if I could house an experimental band called Human Host in my on-campus apartment-styling-living apartment's living room. I excitedly agreed, but Alex still felt the need to compensate me. In return, he offered that the band We Are Wolves, a Purchase favorite and Culture Shock veteran, also stay with me when they played. Since then, I have been promoting their arrival and awarding sex with them to my various single friends.

There was a dilemma on the Friday before Halloween: whether to attend the costume party at Billy Jock's on-campus apartment at Wagner or see the Matt & Kim record release show. After much deliberation and multiple Owen sighs, we chose the Wagner party. Again, a night with Matt & Kim had been averted.

I bumped into Alex last week and he was taping up posters for the November 3 We Are Wolves show. Matt & Kim had been added to the lineup.
"If they need a place to stay, too, can they stay with you?"

So here's the plan for tonight: get too drunk to go to the show and lock Matt & Kim out of my apartment.


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